Marla’s Journey

Was what I was told a few days ago at the park with my 3 littles. I had Abby Grace in her sling, to keep her happy and keep my hands free, and Benjamin and Max were off playing on the climbing/slide apparatuses (apparatii??). I was talking to a friend who I was there with, discussing immunization and the choice I have made to delay and selectively vaccinate Benjamin, Max, and Abby. This woman had apparently heard me say that Abby’s 9 month check up was coming up and I had been working up the schedule on which I plan on vaccinating her. When she interrupted our conversation with her statement, complete with eyeroll, I decided it was a perfect opportunity to share with her, a complete stranger who’s opinion means nothing to me personally, my reasoned decision to not follow the standard immunization schedule.

When Thomas was a baby and young child, I did my parenting “by the book” of common opinion and practice at the time. I had him vaccinated on the AAP schedule, and gave him new vaccinations as they came to my doctor’s office. Eleven years later, when I was expecting Benjamin, I did more research, and through that reading and real-life experience, came to my decision about vaccinating. Benjamin had all his shots on schedule until his mmr shot. He had a HORRIBLE reaction and cried for like 24 hours. NOT a normal occurrence. I decided to delay his remaining shots and while he has had subsequent shots, he has not had a second MMR.

With Max, I did a delayed and reduced schedule, choosing which few vaccines I find most important. Abby, at 9 months, has had no vaccines and will be on a MUCH delayed schedule. I have gotten much “feedback” about it, and feel very good about our decision.

I think immunizations can be a wonderful thing and that they DO help to save lives. My problem is the sheer volume and schedule under which they are given. The immunological response of our bodies is an amazing and wondrous thing. The sheer brilliance of injecting small amounts of toxins to evoke a defensive and protective response is just genius. I just don’t in ANY way believe that injecting babies from birth to 12 months old with 27 doses of toxins is a good idea. That is the number of vaccines recommended for children today. I do NOT find it at all surprising that the rise in incidences of auto-immune and immune-system disorders, along with behavioral and sensory disorders, in the past 20 years corresponds directly with the increase in the number and amount of immunizations administered to the children of America.

I do not in any way believe that our immune response was meant to be assaulted by such a vast amount of toxins in such a short time period. The increasing number and bundling of vaccines has been done under the guise of making it “easier” on children, as they have to have fewer needle sticks, and  “more convenient” for doctors and parents, needing fewer office visits and time off work to tend to little ones, which also just *happens* to improve the bottom line for drug and insurance companies, doctors offices, and the workplaces of working parents. I think that, given the AMAZING design of our bodies by our omnipotent creator, the majority of children miraculously walk away from immunizations relatively unscathed, but that the damage done has been grossly underestimated. I simply choose not to subject my children to what I consider unnecessary risks that cannot be undone to immunize against diseases that, for the VAST majority of children, are NOT life-threatening.

That being said, I have my revised schedule for Abby done and will present it to her doctor at her 9 month check-up tomorrow. I LOVE the littles’ pediatrician, who is compelled to point out the positives of immunizing, but respects my position on the matter! I hear SO many stories of parents who feel strong-armed into giving their kids shots they TOTALLY don’t believe in by doctors who refuse to acknowledge a parents’ right to make health care decisions, based on belief and conviction, for the children they love and dedicate their lives to. THAT is a sad statement on our supposed support of parents today, and happens way more often than one would like to believe.

The woman in the park, I will give her credit, listened to what I had to say, and told me a number of times, “I hadn’t thought of that!” and “I hadn’t looked at it that way.” I like that!!  I don’t pretend to believe that everyone should think the way I think or believe the things I believe (though it would make MY life MUCH easier and less tense!!), but I do take it as a challenge to lead people to think about things they might not have considered before, and look at things from a different perspective.

I’ve received a few e-mails about my spanking post, and had a couple conversations about why I think spanking is wrong, and why I choose not to spank my kids. Without boring everyone out there with a very long and involved discussion, I will simply say, I find it horribly hypocritical to talk about teaching a child to love and respect and then turn around and hit them to “train” them. It makes no sense whatsoever to me. I find it truly repulsive when I hear, WAY too often from Christian parenting “experts” that you should not spank your child with your hand, but with a “neutral” object. In the real world, that is called a weapon. I have heard a number of arguments as to why it is ok, but I simply think it is not acceptable. Period.

The following is an article written by Astrid Lindgren, an author I LOVE and truly respect. I first read this when I was pregnant with Benjamin and keep a copy in my day planner. It speaks volumes.

“Never Violence

a story told by Astrid Lindgren [Author of Pippi Longstocking]“Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence.” In 1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following story.

“When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking – the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, “Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.”

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery – one can raise children into violence.”

I think that too often we fail to feel situations “from the child’s point of view,” and that failure leads us to teach our children other than what we think we’re teaching them.”

I was happily checking my e-mail this morning when I got a message that truly sickened me. It was from a mom who I know, and like, forwarding a “humorous” picture and story, and was prefaced by this mom’s tale of how she had “had” to spank her son twice and “hot sauce” him for some misbehavior. I exercised an immense amount of self-restraint and did not immediately fire back an e-mail telling her exactly what I think of her “parenting” methods, but feel obligated to respond because, in my opinion, not speaking up is condoning, and I certainly find the idea of “hot saucing” truly reprehensible.

Almost everyone who knows me is aware that I don’t spank my children. I have true moral objections to the idea and practice of trying to train a child to be obedient by using fear and pain. Seems to me to be a lazy and piss-poor way to try to make your point. Parenting is exhausting. Children, by nature and design, are VERY high-maintenance and need repeated training to teach them how to behave. Spanking, and other forms of corporal punishment, teach a child that if they misbehave, they will be hurt. NOT the LOGICAL natural consequences of misbehavior, not how to accept grace and mercy, and not the love of a parent who is interested in their well-being. They learn “I’m bigger than you. You misbehaved. I am going to treat you in a way that causes pain and embarrassment and there is nothing you can do except accept it and don’t do that (what ever “that” was) again, or you will get hurt again.” NOT a message I want send to my children, thanks.

I have recently become involved with the Natural Child Project – Children Reflect the Treatment They Receive. I LOVE the group’s vision : “Our vision is a world in which all children are treated with dignity, respect, understanding, and compassion. In such a world, every child can grow into adulthood with a generous capacity for love and trust. Our society has no more urgent task.” On their website www.naturalchild.org, there is a VERY thought-provoking article, “Sociopathic Parenting” by James Kimmel, Ph.D. which says this:

“Our ways of caring for infants and children are actually sociopathic in that they are aggressively antisocial and asocial. It is common practice to force infants to spend long periods of time alone in their cribs, to sleep alone, and to ignore their crying, so that they will leave us alone and learn to accept being alone. Spanking, hitting and punishing children are widely accepted methods for teaching children to behave. If we treated another adult the way we commonly treat our children, we would be subject to criminal and/or civil action. Imposing one’s will on another person is considered a crime in our society. Yet with children, it is actively encouraged. The only conclusion is that children are not seen as persons.

In our efforts to get children to behave in the ways we want, we utilize methods of control which are culturally condoned forms of violence. Based on our long-standing traditional belief that children are a form of property, we treat them as objects to be manipulated and molded in directions that will be comfortable for us.”

I think it is SO sad that it is accepted to treat a child in a way that, if one were to so the same thing to another adult, they would be guilty of a crime. It is wrong and unconscionable, in my opinion, and I am looking forward to being an even more OUTSPOKEN advocate of gentle and grace-based discipline.

I will keep you posted as to how I respond to the e-mail received. I am taking a MINIMUM 24 hour cooling off period before I type. That whole mind/mouth filter I spoke of before!